Ten Strategies to Convince Mom or Dad to Accept Help At Home

Ten Strategies to Convince Mom or Dad to Accept Help At Home

In our blog post “How to Be Ready When Your Loved One Needs a Caregiver” we listed several issues that indicated an aging parent wasn’t caring for themselves properly. After reaching this conclusion, the next step ought to be to discuss the available options logically, then make a smart caregiving choice. For many families, this obvious next step becomes a big obstacle because Mom or Dad refuses to accept that they need help at all. Concerned children become frustrated, indignant parents get angry and resistant, and a stalemate develops. What can you do when your loved ones don’t want to accept help at home?

How can an elderly parent not see their own obvious need for help?

Bette Davis supposedly said, “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” and your elderly parent would likely agree. There are a few reasons why your loved one isn’t ready to accept in-home care:

  • Fear: Getting old is scary, and people tend to avoid confronting scary things
  • Inertia: They have been independent adults for decades, and they are used to being in charge of themselves
  • Pride: You were once their child or niece or nephew or grandchild, and they were responsible for you. They are not on board with a reversal of these roles
  • Autonomy: They like how their life is currently arranged, and they didn’t ask for your opinion or interference
  • Dignity: They don’t like the idea of another person invading their space

All these reasons and more mean they feel strongly about maintaining the status quo, and not much momentum toward invasive change.

How can you make an elderly parent change their mind about accepting help?

The best way to have this conversation with a loved one is well in advance of any issues so that they can be calm and thoughtful about what they want. If that’s not possible, then these ten strategies will help:

  1. Share an objective evaluation of their current situation and avoid ‘doom & gloom’ language
  2. Emphasize the positive in what they can still do and what in home care could offer
  3. Be empathetic and avoid judgement
  4. Engage their ‘parent mode’ by sharing how much you worry about them
  5. Give as many options as possible so they can control some part of a scary process
  6. Use collaborative and positive language
  7. Start small, if possible, with incremental changes or a trial period
  8. Accept that they may not make the ‘right’ decision, and that’s their right as an adult
  9. In the face of resistance, bring a professional onto the team as a non-family third party may be more palatable to them
  10. Realize that accepting help means a fundamental change in how they see themselves

Keep these ten strategies in mind when encouraging your parent to accept help. At worst, you will keep the conversation going, and at best, you’ll end the stalemate with a satisfactory plan.

There are many resources that can help you have a constructive conversation with home care solutions-resistant loved ones. The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) publishes an excellent resources called AARP Family Caregiving Guide. The Better Health While Aging website’s blog has plenty of practical information on helping older parents. The Daughterhood.org website’s Resources page has several books that offer guidance on working through this resistance with loved ones.